I began this blog a long time ago. I began writing in it disposed under the inclination of the Autistic community. After my first couple of posts, something happened I didn’t actualy quite expect: you listened….
Family, as I continued to post my blogs and add to what my WordPress account has become, I discovered that more and more of you of whom I consider family still listened. The most difficult thing about being on the spectrum is the desperation to be understood; to speak and to allow that mode of communication to be concieved and comprehended. But, speaking now for myself, when ever I faced a conflict, when EVER someone was upset, confused, frustrated or even hurt by something I did, all I wanted, all I needed, was for them to understand that whatever it was that I did, I didn’t mean it, it was never personal and I just want to be forgiven; and that I probably just missed the social queue and I didn’t know how to properly communicate the discrepancy which infected our relationship. I’m sorry for hurting you and I would die rather than live with the idea that anything I had ever done was in a way to make you suffer.
You want to know what I hate most about having Autism? What I hate most about having Autism is how, in this age of instant information, people continue to be ignorant. You know what I love most about having Autism? What I love most about havin Autism is that when people actually discover who I am, they love me. You want to know what makes me the most sad about having Autism? What makes me saddest is when people jump to conclusions about me and assume the worst. You want to know what makes me the happiest in having Autism? What makes me the most happy with having Autism is how my wife understands near to nothing about Autism yet she loves me so very, very much because of how I show her I love her.
The problem with having Autism is not the dissorder. The problem with having Autism is fighting through hatful people and retaining the truth about ourselves within ourselves. Since accomplishing just that over the past couple of years, I’ve noticed a surplus of attacks against me by Satan; Satan himself.
Although it does sound metiphorical, unfortunately I have no doubt that the father of lies and the prince of darkness himself has been seeping, or at least trying to seep, into my mind. Here’s why: because I know who I am.
I’d like to take some time to tell you, my family whom I love and give all gratitude for listening, who I am: I am a son of God. He has chosen me to be his son. Adopted children are legitimate children under the parantage of those of whom take them. They are as blood as the cells coursing through the veins of Jesus himself. I am a loving husband who would die for his wife before ever the breath was ended by the one petitioning my life for hers. I am a writer. I am a musician of the piano, drums, violin, guitar and voice. I am a composer of all music, which I do not iterate hyperbolically. I am a well read reader. I am a published author. I am a poet. I am a speaker. I am a leader. I am a strong male with incredible physical prowess. I am a genius with an intelligence quotient of about 190. I am a linguistical student of all languages with partial fluency in spanish, ASL and Russian. I am a somollier and a conosuer of fine art, art history and music, music history and music psychology. I am a quick study. I am a pedagogue. I am naturally gifted in cullinary arts and creation, although never put into studied practice or inhancment. I am a blibliophile. I am an onomotomaniac and a logophile. I am Autistic. I am a conquerer of schizophrenia. I am a conquerer of OCD. I am a conquerer of Bullemia and Anorexia Nervosa. I am a conquerer of Anxiety and chronic anxiety dissorder. Lastly I’d like to add emphasis, for this last attribute goes out to all others under this trait:
I AM A SUICIDE SURVIVOR.
I began contemplating suicide when I was 7 years old. I tried to kill myself through dehydration. This was so no one would suspect that I actually DID kill myself. I stopped drining water, but never made it past 24 hours before I lost will power and became too parched. I continued to convieve of ways to end my life until, when I was about 18 years old, I sat in my bathtub with a knife and tried to bleed my radial arteries (my wrists). My hesitation wounds prevented me from successfully performing the suicide and I was left with scars on my wrists. When I was about 21 I consumed 28 extra strength Excedrin. Three pints of charcoal prescribed by the doctor neutrilized the poison. God led me to the ER, otherwise I would have died. Morever, all my life I could eat anthing and EVERYthing and not gain any weight nor loose any physical prowess. I was blessed with absolutely NO allergies. I rarely get sick. I’ve never had the measles, mumps or anything. Also, I’ve never had Chicken Pocks. I’m 34. I ate 8 donuts in one day and nothing. I have all the energy in the world and in one hour of working out I burn over 1,000 callories. Lucky? Maybe, but it was this reason I survived my suicide attmpt. Look up just how much acetimenophen, asperin and caffine one pill of extra strength excedrin has then multiply that by 28. Then you’ll know why God made me so impervious.
When I was about 28 I turned my car on in the garage and rolled down all the windows. I waited. After about 15 minutes my mom called and said she was about to pull in our drive way. I told her I just got home. I was very upset at God.
When I was about 25 I drove all the way up a super highh parking structure. I tried so hard to jump off. I tried so very, very hard. But I was always pulled back from the edge. I hated God so much. “Why won’t you just let me f**king die! I hate you! I hate you! Let me die!” I would scream this so loudly that blood would form on my vocal chords as I vomited my yellow bile.
I knew that cutting myself wouldn’t kill me, but the pain and buckets of blood at least helpped soothe the pain.
Family, I’m married. I’m living and I’m living well. I have Autism and it often sucks beyond any convievable recognition. But, I’m happy. Thank you all so much. Thank you for reading, for following and thank you so much those who have purchased my books, music etc. I love you all and I can say with confidence that everything in my life will be alright. It’s going to be okay.
Beloved family, 80 of you who chose to follow me. 80 of you who like my posts. Four score people I’ve never met yet feel like I’ve known all my life, I need your help.
I created a language. Most of you might know this already. But, for those who don’t, it’s true: I created a language. It is called Angellian. It is the language of the angels; the very language of God. It is grammatically sound. It is a spoken and written dialiect. You cannot write this language using English letters, aside from applying its sounds phonetically, because its form is a combination of art, science and music… and math… and spirit; emotion; heart; mind; body. Everything in the world, in the universe, is adaptive of Angellian.
I do not boast. I do not brag. I am a person who wants nothing more than to see Jesus. To see God. I count this life and all in it as temporary. I want nothing. I need nothing. But, before I go home, I need help to support what I know God has called me to do. Verily, I need some funding.
My wife and I are on EBT’s. We are literally applying for state disability. My wife struggles with Anxiety. I struggle with Autism. Although I’m compitant in any job, the lack of accomodation that every job does not even attempt to behest on behalf of those with Autism has been damning. My wife and I endeavor to become full-time YouTubers. With links to be delivered, forthcomingly, this is what I need from my beloved family. Let me go into detail further on this good and expatiated post (just like I used to do) and plead to you all for your love, generosty and my truthful and sincere desire to want to meet and speak with each and everyone of you… in person:
Art is practically dead. I see occasionally a good piece of canvas transphormed into marvelous still-life, scenery or portraits. I even come accross a good abstract. But, all others’ opinions aside, for I speak for what my own eyes percieve, when I look at modern art these days and behold a mass of randomly thrown paint or chalk against some surface, or when I behold the debachery of color in the most grotesque fashion of form, pose and eye path (with absolutely no focal point) and such an atrosity is sold for mmillions of dollars, I say with absolute confidence: art is practically dead.
Are there any art lovers reading this? Perhpas some of my followers purchase and/or make art themselves? Have you ever seen art in hotels, dining rooms or even department stores? It’s literally a flat color with a line through it at some haphazzard spopt on the paper or canvas. There is nothing in it. It is nothing, and yet it decorates halls for the rich and famous. I’ve seen suites and the finest rooms because of my last job. The “art” is no different than when I blow my nose and see yellowish mucous covering tissue paper, to which I propmtly throw away.
Family, click the link below. Follow what I can create in Angellian and see beauty for what it TRULY is. Beuaty created and with meaning, depth and purpose. Nothing random. Nothing emotionless. Look at my pieces and see that the calligraphy of Angellian is something to tap into the very nature of Heaven. The very nature of God. How he sees, how he speaks: how he FEELS. Would you not rather show off a piece of fine art in your home, office or what have you to where people will actually ask you “what is that work of art and where did you get it? who made it and what does it mean?” Instead of answering, “Oh it’s just random abstract,” you can say, “it’s by an artist by the name of D.B. Keosababian. It’s the language of Angels called Angellian. This piece here I had persaonlly commisioned by him. It’s my name.” Then they will reply: “THAT! That is YOUR name! Wow!” What would you rather have?
This is where you can view a video I made writing the lords prayer in Angellian
This is where you can go to actually purchase a work of the language of God.
And this is where you can go to support a humble Couple: one who is the most beautiful girl in the world, and the other who simpy wants to support his family and to live knowing that he survived suicide.
I love you, family. Please, help support. Blessings forever. Thank you.
-The Giver of Words.