Have you guys ever felt a surge of chaos over a long period of time? If you have, take that tirade of pandemonium and condense it into one single-state of time transitioning seamlessly throughout your day today and everyday: that is not Autism, that’s just life; which all of you I’m confident can relate. With my Autism personally, I just feel that that discomabulation is so far gone from understanding, much less controling or managing, that I delve deep, deep, deep down into what I have now affirmed is one of my primary coping mechinisms: monologuing.
With Autism, because we tend to absorb, like, every-freakin’-thing, we, and I, have found little things in our surrounding that, as we attach meaning and interest, we bury our consciousness within. For that reason, it’s perfectly understandable as to why the term “Autistic Savant” has been dubbed, although crudely in my opinion, into prognosticatable analysis of a patient tested for Autism. The word “savant” itself merely postulates to an individual with a highly erudite level of knowledge and wisdom in a field of study regardless of its school. Individuals with O.C.D. (obsessive compulsive dissorder) are as likely to be in association to a savant-like level of ability and aptitude. Life for me, personally, is truly overwhelming. At least in the sense of, well, my “senses”. I really like those simulators on YouTube. Here’s a link to an Autistic simulator which is one of my favorites. Autism SimulatorWhat I love about it is the literal attention the child has to absolutely all details of the mall. Did you notice the man’s brown shoe with the ugly shoelaces and the hideous broguing that is detestable in all fashion sense. Did you happen to at least visualize mentally what it would have been like for this child whose senses that are already heightened to be blasted by fowl smelling purfume. I’ve walked through malls before and have inhaled purfume and colognes and I about gag and am induced immediately with a pounding headache; and did I mention that it was merely from the people wearing these scents and not even yet from the samples that are expactorated throughout the area like miasma?
Mid-conclusion: I have successfully accomplished what very few in my position, to my knowledge, have done: I got married, I hold a full-time job, I finished an indipendent certified course on-line (I finished school) I pay my taxes, I manage my finances (more or less 😉 ) and I keep up a social interaction with friends and family, regularly. However…
Ripping my brain out through my ears, putting it back through my nose and then swallowing it to deficate it the next day is not entirely an act for which my proclivity necessitates inaction. Also, I would as likely scream at the top of my lungs until I become mute and then stab out my eyes to be blind as to touch the handle of a door from a Wallmart bathroom. Disclaimer: the preceeding was entirely metaphorical. At least it is now. About ten years ago, plus or minus, the preceeding would have been taken literally. No, reader, don’t gloss over that statment: when I say “literally”, I am using said word in its direct and accurate context; not in slang as is the coloquialism today: Literally, through the nose, out the anus, eye, ears, lungs, body… broken! So as to clarify, the pain of being unABLE to manage these sensory-overloaded emotions as opposed to how I CAN manage them now was so unfeesably and inhumanely execrable, it was an utter anathema.
Progressively, I am working very, very hard and I indeed have completed a course, three semesters worth, of ASL (American Sign Language). My fluency is still becoming, but I’m exploring avenues. Domestically, it’s getting really, really tight for my wife and I- financially. Pennies are subsequently counted.
Readers: I love you guys so much! You’re fans to me. I’d live in a box on the street scrapping a living off rock; with my dalmation, probably getting high and playing the gui-tar like a mother-f*cking riot. Cause life is too short so love the one you got…. this is where I imput an *lol* and ask if anyone remembers that band, Sublime. But the point is this: I love to live regardless of how rich or poor I am. I’d eat semi-rotten food and live with other homeless in tents and be content inasmuch as the Kardasians in their varioius and multiple palaces. As long as I had a good pen and some blank pieces of paper and a good place to write, I’m good. How—-e—-v—-e—-r—- I would sooner partake in my previously mentioned body mortifications and then die then subject my absolutely beautiful, delecate, lovely and infinitely God ordained wife to such a living. Thus, I love her more than anything and anyone, except God. After my love of God, my wife (and pizza) and until I get children (can’t wait *grin*) I’ve got a passion the the business world of literature, creativity, art and, most of all, YOU GUYS! The fans!
Yet, I am remiss. All apologies, what else can I say? I wish to patch up some stuf, here. Firstly, these blogs: I have no freakin’ clue as to what I’ve written in the past. I have no bloody idea what impressions I’ve made both good and bad. My emotions and thoughts and feelings scatter about worse than sand kicked-up by the winds of a helocopter and so I wish to state that every new entry I want us all, myself included, to take as a first; a new one; as in the past is in the past. Consequently, the future has not been experiences, as of yet. Thus, here in today we will be gifted; gifted every second of every moment in today, that is why we call it the “present”. So, I’m going to start new and, of course, begin a change. Here, observe.
I need you guys to help out a cause for my wife, for God and for the Autistic community and, very soon, the deaf community. Call it ironic, call it providence or whatever: people with Autism have a devilishly difficulty time communicating. As such, people who are deaf have even a greater difficulty communicating. My coping mechanism, as I said earlier, was monologuing and, subsequently, words: an absolute onomotomania. And now I’m studying ASL. Knowing what it feels like to feel feelings and yet be totally unable to express such to ANYONE, I feel so strongly and empathetically for an entire community pretty much ostricized, albeit inadvertantly, by a world in which has nearly zero accomodation for its individuals who cannot hear. I also don’t wish to be selfish, which I don’t think I will be in saying this, but the world is also quite unaccomodting the Autistic community as well. Strangely enough, the diagnosis of Autism has existed for a far fewer amount of years than the inability to hear. Yet, I see those Autistic puzzle stickers on the back of cars (no where else, really [I also, on a personal note and not to be snobby, but I really don’t like that puzzle emblem. It’s kind of stupid, if you ask me. I know the idea is behind trying to figure out the puzzle which is Autism. But, the puzzle analogy suggests that the puzzle has already been complete, when it clearly hasn’t. A much better visual analogy would be a maze; an unsolvable maze. It’s not so much that we are trying to reach the end of the maze–because we can’t and we never will–it’s trying to merely walk through it, throug it’s dead ends as well as its alternately open passages, and not FREAK OUT! If we can at least establish the emotional balance to guide the maze, whiich is still unsolvable, frustrating and egregiously difficult, then we can manage our lives to consequently live, and live well.]) But, I don’t see nearly as many deaf community paraphanelia, anywhere! On occasion I’ll see a shirt with fingerspelling. But, that’s about it. So, here’s what I need from my dear readers; the people who follow me and those who also like. I need you to comment, subscribe to my YouTube channel, subscribe to my instagram and I’m working on Twittter and Snapchat (more or less) becasue we really, really, REALLY need to help these people out, a lot. I’m going to post several links below. They will send you primarly to YouTube, because, like I said earlier, these simulators are quite something. And I really want to emphasis communication. Even married couples communicate as poorly as even one who is Autistic AND deaf. Regardless of everything, which is race, sex, relgion, sexual preference, beliefs and all that jazz, if nothing else, if all goes to how I used to feel and what I wanted at one point to do to my body, then I want, sooooooo badly to express, promote and enlighten revelationally pure, unadulterted COMMUNICATION!
How many of you saw the movie Arrival or The Arrival? If you saw it (small spoiler alert!!) do you remember when the aliens’ sent their phrase, or word, and after months of study the translation, which was accurate, came out to “weapon”? The communication was utterly lost. Because the world saw these massive and quite formidble looking devices of fear, dread and what could even be mass destruction, when the word “weapon” comes out, they panic. But, but, but and again, but, another term for weapon is, truthfully, “tool”. Here’s why communication is so crucial and imparative in this wold: does the word “tool” stand for a wrench or a drill? Or does it have to do with a needle or thread? If they were to use the word “tool” instead of “weapon”, would it have been descerned as the anglet of a shoelace, or the buckle of a seatbelt, or a shovel to dig a grave? Or would the word “tool” be assocated with hard rock music from Maynard James Keenon and his sister-band apferfectcircle? Or what about when someone calls another by a dorogotory term of “tool” as in they were being used and manipulated? Or does the word “tool” mean the fabric for a bride’s veil; was it even spelled correctly? But, if it WAS weapon, is it like a boe-staff, the biological weapons that God gives animals to defend themselves, such as claws or poison? *sigh* I could go forever. But, I think we get the point.
Can I ask you guys to help me out? Can I ask everyone to help others out there who are suffering as I once had? For now, becasue baby steps are seemingly the way anything gets accomplished, as we come and as you guys read (thank you! gracias! spasibo! merci! thanglet!) here’s a link to my Amazon page. Amazon.com I have some books and even some humble little tunes of music I composed for your auditory pleasure! If you are those types of readers in which if the book is not thicker than a brick, you wont read it, so to speak, then the two epic novels–The Rudimentum Series: Aeon Eternal and The Rudimentum Series: Paradisium–then those are for you. However, especially considering how fast our world moves now-a-days, there are some short stories for you to read as well. I don’t have too much out there right now. But, I’m petitioning my dear readers of my humble blog, you guys who have, thus far, read this expatiation. I’m asking all of you, as brokenly yet as imploringly as I can, to buy some of my works. I need some resources to get out there are help people and help them communicate. I was telling my wife as she was telling me: “if you’re not working and doing something you absolutely LOVE to do, then you shouldn’t be doing, becasue it’ll just make you miserable.” And I told her, as a little revelation: “I love to help people. I can’t quite do the doctor or physical healing thing and becoming a therapist of psychology might not really be a benificial thing. Yet, I LOVE to talk to people and just help them out with some encouraging words; making them feel better; especially helping them feel better simply becasue they-have-someone-to-talk-to.
Hey, guys, listen, it’s the elephant in the room: I need some money. But, know that to me money is nothing more than–call back to the Arrival–a “tool”. My biggest grievence in this world is when people, no matter WHAT they are trying to say, are misunderstood. Have any of you ever watch a romantic comedy? The whole plot of just about all of them–if not all of them–is based on miscommunication or a sheer lack thereof. Inasmuch as it is entertaining, is it truly what we want in OUR lives? I just now thought of Chester from Linkin Park: how obvious was it that this guy was so depressed and sad? I mean, listen to the lyrics: I know them by heart because I felt the exact same way. I can recite almost every album vertabum. This is not a boast, this is a mourning, because as I listened, as I heard, as I absorbed and practically worshiped the sound that band made in the name of all which is “Crawling in my Skin” and what brings me “One Step Closer” to the edge, but I did break: I tried, actually TRIED hard to kill myself. Praise be to God, I was saved. Yet, what sorrow there is for a man who felt all the things I did, and unfortunately succeeded. Robyn Williams; Philp Seymor Hoffman; Heath Ledger 😥
Sigmond Freud had it absolutely right: he dubbed the now aged term “the talking cure”, becasue sometimes all anyone ever needs, truly and forthrightly needs, is someone to talk to; someone who understands; someone who can relate and, of course, speak their languge. That’s what I want.
The money I earn can buy me and my wife food and rent. I can also buy more time to write some cool stuff for you guys. Again, comment below and, as per your perogative, what do you guys like to read for liesure? Sci-fi; romance; western; Abraham Linclon stories about him hunting vampires or something? lol Let me know and I bet you ANYTHING *grin* I can write it just for your pleasure. I love to write. Have you noticed…?
My faith in God instructs me to love the same way Jesus loved. 1 John 4:19. Also, to love my neighbor as myself. You guys are not just my neighbors, you’re my readers; my fans; my followers; my supporters; those who I deem are many that can relate to Autism; that can relate to being deaf; to relate to the inability to commuunicate; who can relate to the chaos of the world and all you want is a pizza, beer and Netflix with your best friend by your side: a wife; a boyfriend/girlfriend or your sisterhood/brotherhood; man-cave or sewing circle; girls night out group boys night out group: we are all brothers and sisters. Everyone here I know just wants to be happy, they want to feel good, to be healthy, wealthy and all otherwise ANYTHING except being depressed. So I want to help you guys so that I hope you can help so many others who need you. Comment what you like to read and I’ll write it for you! 🙂 And, please, like, follow, subscribe becasue I’m tired of seeing so many people distance themselves. When I was schizophrenic, psychotic, OCD, bulemic, anorexic, self-harming and suicidal, I tell you the truth, readers, I wanted nothing more than to just sit down with just one single person who was a good friend with a cup of coffee at starbucks or something. I just wanted to sit and talk with someone; in a quiet place, just the two of us- cell-phones off and talk. Talk about Star Wars; talk about music; talk about Disneyland; talk about what’s been going on; talk about how it’s hard; talk about what’s good; maybe even shed some tears. To talk with no judgment and no criticism and no distractions. I’m still pondering on why something that seemed so easy was so drastically difficult.
I hope you all enjoy some of my works. I had published the two epic novels with a company. But, they had to close down because of a controversy 😦 It’s okay, I still have the stories. They just might not be as “pretty” as their originally published form. I’m so busy that I obviously cannot sift through over 200,000 words. But, they’re more than readable. And I hope you enjoy the short stories I have thus far. More to come and let me know what you’d like. Also, leave a review on my Amazon page and rate how you liked the story.
Readers! Thank you! Blessed be and enjoy the day! Enjoy life and peace be with you all!
-The Giver of Words.
Postscript: I prefer analog. But, alas, the majority of the world is digital. Therefore, here are links to some of my social medias. I’m going to reeeeeeeeeeee… …eeally try to post and update *sigh* *fret* I’ll do my best. I’ll remember that keeping you and everyone else up-to-date is just that same theme of communication. So, sorry Mister wants to live with sail mail and record players: gotta get out on the inter-web. Love you all again. Blessed be, always!
-The Giver of Words.
Schzophrenia Simulator This is pretty acurate.