“A man is a man on his own prerogative. A coward feels compelled to prove it.”
I know what Hell looks like. I know what it feels like. I know what it smells like, what it tastes like and what it sounds like. I have been there. Take my word for it, reader, it is a place you do not want to even almost visit. Take respite, I am not evangelizing nor was I being literal. Yet we have it in us to create Hell and live in it upon this world. Each of us, our minds our hearts our souls our strengths and our beliefs, has it in his or her power to distinctly suffer a damnation. I saw things that were not real. I believed things that were not real. I spoke to people that were not real. I acted accordingly to circumstances, instances and scenarios that were not real. Here, observe:
Work; socializing; driving; taxes; travel; housing; rent; bills; work; recreation; education; loans; student loans; church; work; knowledge; adequate knowledge; useful knowledge; lies; media; money; the acquisition of money; fear; doubt; work, to name the 2% of the thoughts what induced me to attempt suicide. Of course, read these inflections in the singular panorama for which they there-above lie and even a normal person (I am being general, for normality has a trillion shades of gray, at least) would become at minimum slightly overwhelmed. However, I saw the panorama perpetually and the words were defined in my consciousness by a very different set of given terminology. This is what I saw (note the past tense):
Agony; war; turmoil; poverty; alienation; homelessness; pennilessness; terror; agony; doldrums; stupidity; entrapment; imprisonment; ostracization; agony; ignorance; gross ignorance; discombobulation; paradox; propaganda; lust; sin; death; damnation; agony. Each individual word from the former list corresponds in perfect conjunction with the latter. Study this paragraph a little longer then proceed.
I prayed to God for death. I prayed for Cancer. I wanted to die. It baffled me that people found reason to live at all, when I used to consider the grotesqueries of this world. I was supremely convinced, therefore, that I was in Hell. There was no other logical nor pragmatic explanation sufficient to explain the blatant anomaly of the populace desiring to live. To live was Hell. To die was Heaven. How, then, is it that I am soon to propose to the girl of my dreams? How is it that I have found my purpose in life? How is it that I have published a book; learned to play four instruments proficiently; been accepted socially both personally as well as professionally? How could it be that I have learned to be as merry as it is in my cognizance to be? How have I come to find work and good work, moreover? How in the name of a merciful God has a boy cursed with Autism, whilst sit home his soul yearns to scream to the point of vomiting stomach acid yet prevails against it, grown to manhood in that his Autism is but a trifling nuance of but a mere quirk in the demeanor of his testified-to astounding and upright character?
The answer is this: I chose to live. Inasmuch as I seek to tell people of the Gospel of God and the richness of life such a decree of faith would evoke to any man or woman, I am but the tiller of the land and the sower of the seed. It is the listener and the hearer to which has ears in whom the seed would be allowed to grow: to chose to live. So, reader, I came out of Hell. I am happy. I know my ministry to my church (that being the people of God’s church not the building). I know what it is that I have to do in service to the creator of the universe and no power of Heaven, Hell or of the Earth will ever convince me otherwise. I chose to live.
What will you choose to do?
-The Giver of Words
Postscript: under only the disposition that I am truly a published author and a simple marketing of my book goes with its territory all over the internet where I may implicate it, please be sure to check out my book: The Rudimentum Series: Aeon Eternal. Available at Tate Publishing.com, Amazon, iBooks or Barnes and Noble. You can order the hard-copy by mail. However, the physical book itself is not yet available in stores. Digital copies for Kindles, iPads, Surfaces, PC’s or Mac’s are also available. Thank you for your support. Be sure to also visit my Youtube channel: D.B.Keosababian. Thank you.